Difficult conversations are part of leadership, yet they often feel like the hardest part of the role. Whether it’s addressing unchecked behaviours, managing performance, or communicating decisions about pay and conditions, these moments test not only our communication skills but also our resilience and sense of agency.
Working with executive coach, Tessa Harrison, GatenbySanderson’s monthly online drop in for academic managers provides a space for the new and experienced leading in this squeezed middle to share experiences and support each other in this mission critical role.
November’s drop-in explored the topic of tackling challenging conversations.
Why Are These Conversations So Challenging?
Several factors make these interactions complex:
- Fear of Consequences: will this damage the relationship? Will it escalate?
- Power Dynamics: long-standing behaviours, dismissive responses, or cynicism from those whose behaviours have been left unchallenged for years.
- Assumptions: what stories are we telling ourselves about the other person’s reaction? How real are these?
- Culture: in academia, rotational leadership roles and blurred lines between collegiality and accountability add layers of complexity.
- Time Pressure: sometimes you have time to prepare for a 1:1; other times, an issue arises in the moment with little warning.
If these conversations are avoided, things rarely improve; they usually get worse. Rumours fill the gap, trust erodes, and the culture suffers.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Begin
- What makes this conversation challenging for me?
- What assumptions am I making about the other person?
- How might I reframe this conversation to focus on shared goals?
- Who can I practice with to build confidence?
- How prepared am I to acknowledge the challenges openly?
The SCARF Model: A Helpful Lens
David Rock’s SCARF model offers a framework for understanding what triggers threat or reward responses in conversations:
- Status: How might this message affect the person’s sense of importance?
- Certainty: Is the message clear or ambiguous? Lack of clarity breeds anxiety.
- Autonomy: Does this conversation feel like a loss of control for them?
- Relatedness: Will they feel isolated? How can you foster connection?
- Fairness: How will they perceive fairness in the process and outcome?
Using SCARF helps us anticipate emotional reactions and plan how to reduce threat responses.
Practical Strategies
- Prepare, but Stay Flexible: Plan your key points and anticipate reactions, but be ready to adapt.
- Separate Role from Person: Frame the conversation around responsibilities, not personal attributes.
- Acknowledge the Systemic Context: In higher education, debates about “business-like” approaches and the tension between collegiality and accountability can surface. Recognise this without letting it derail the core message.
- Build Trust: Empathy matters especially for someone new in role. Trust is the foundation for any difficult conversation.
- Look After Yourself: These conversations absorb stress. Schedule recovery time and seek support from HR or peers.
- Practice: Rehearse with a trusted colleague or coach. Role-play helps reduce anxiety and refine your approach.
Common Pitfalls
- Leaving It Too Long: Delay usually makes things worse.
- Hijacked Conversations: Stay focused on the issue at hand.
- Lack of Preparation: Consider the impact before you speak.
- Defensiveness: Own your space, but don’t take on what isn’t yours.
Final Thought
Honest conversations at the right time make things easier, not harder. When leaders invest in preparation, empathy, and clarity, they create a culture where trust thrives and performance improves.
Join us for our next drop-in session
An opportunity to connect with colleagues in similar roles in a safe, confidential space to share best practice, seek advice and consider new approaches to addressing pressing challenges. The agenda and focus of each session is being guided by the network, providing a useful and informal forum to connect and support each other.